I've been following Final Girl's film club for months now, reading wonderful reviews of fantastic movies. I mean look at past film of the month entries; The Descent, The Exorcist, Prince of Darkness, Behind the Mask. It's like a veritable cornucopia of tasty horror practically guaranteed to please. I've been waiting, biding my time for the right moment to jump into this fray of horror classics and newly found gems. So what was the highlight of horror film culture that caused me to break my code of silence?
That's right, I decided to join the FGFC ranks the same month that a Bert I. Gordon flick is featured. Now, come on, give the guy a shot. After all he is the director of such classic fare as The Amazing Colossal Man and Earth vs. The Spider (which is right up there with Them! as one of my favorite giant bug movies.), so this couldn't be all bad. Right? RIGHT?
Actually, if we're being totally honest here, from a film making standpoint you could tear this thing open from groin to gullet. The dialog is laughable, apparently the special effects that make tiny things huge hadn't developed one iota in the 19 years between Amazing Colossal and Food of the Gods, and Ida Lupino manages to chew more scenery than the giant rats. (Zing!) Seriously, I am amazed that the amount of raw ham on this set didn't develop into an outbreak of trichinosis.
However, honestly again (we might as well be at this point, eh?), none of that matters in the slightest, about ten minutes into the film I was ready to turn it off and then and there declare it the best use of celluloid in the history of well...celluloid I guess. The sequence in question does make me wonder if ol' Bertie had some psycho-sexual issues to work out. You'll see what I mean in a minute.
It plays out like this, Marjoe Gortner's character, 'Football SuperStar' has just witnessed his good friend 'Plot Device' get all kind of killed 'cause he got stung by a wasp the size of a 10th grader. Turns out when mutant wasps sting your face, thats a bad, bad thing, you get swelled up real bad. Of course the locals are just goint to say that you fell off your horse anyway.
SuperStar, Football decides to run for help and winds up at the Pacific Northwests answer to the Texas Chainsaw house. Ida Lupino, playing 'Elderly Psycho Housewife' spys SuperStar coming up the drive and like any sane person seeing a fellow human in need, she hides behind the curtains. FSS decides to forgoe the usual route of knocking on the front door and heads directly into the barn. Logical, right? Here's where it gets weird, er, weirder I guess. Inside said barn are giant chickens, huge fucking hens folks, and a rampaging rooster on a roid rage. (The rooster is also large, I just couldn't figure out an 'r' word that meant big to go with my whole alliteration bit there.) The subversive sexual content comes in (sorry for the pun) when you realize that you are watching a scene wherein a star football man is mauled by a giant cock.
The Cock in Question
Fan-fucking-tastic. Here are some other even randomer thoughts I had whilst watching FOTG; Marjoe Gortner actually won the Best Name In The Universe Award 8 years running, Bert I. Gordon's name is comforting to see at the start of a movie, Ida Lupino really? that's odd, I hope the rats didn't mind being shocked too much, they must have had a deal with the local Vancouver Ferrymens Union (chapter 873), Marjoe Gortner doesn't actually look like a football player at all, I want a lady bacteriologist to as my zippy sidekick, no wait, I want a lady bacteriologist to love me like they love Marjoe Fucking Gorter (According to Stacie that is his official middle name).
To bring back a scoring convention of mine I give this one
7 giant rat testes out of 10.
Seriously though, read up on Marjoe Gortner, if even half of that shit is true I vote that the next biopic not be based on Stevie Ray Vaughn but on Marjoe Fucking Gortner.